The Biggest Waste of Time of Your Holiday Season

I was driving home tonight, and since my drive was pretty short, I didn’t put on my iPod. Instead, I tried to be content with the music on the radio. I started by tuning into the station that plays decent music about half the time. It was playing really bad rap though. Now, don’t get me wrong and think that I hate rap, because there are definitely some quality rap acts out there. This, however, was not one of them. Think of it as the Nickelback of rap. Since my life is full of juxtapositions, when I changed the station, the next station was playing nebulous, cuddly Christmas music, naturally. The Peanuts Christmas song was on, so that was joy to hear, but then the next song that came on is one that always leaves me a little cold. It’s the one by George Michael that’s all like “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special (special).”

I have manifold complaints about this holiday track. One is that it’s not a redux of a traditional Christmas song. Why is that important, you ask? Well, the traditional ones are the only ones I like. That really draws a line in the sand for me in terms of which songs I’ll react well to and which ones I won’t. My specific area of interest seems to be anything my mom played in house during my childhood Christmases. This generally includes Christmas selections by Elvis, Kenny Rodgers, Bing Crosby (supposedly a distant family relation) and the Partridge Family. (Side story: It was a sad day in 2001 when our house flooded and my mom’s records, including her beloved Partridge Family Christmas album were destroyed. I think it a great day for her in 2005 when we randomly stopped at a K-Mart in Hammond, IN on Christmas Eve to buy something, but managed to find a CD copy of the same album. Sweet providence.) Given that background, it should not be surprising that I don’t appreciate holiday music pushed upon me by the guy who gets blow jobs in bathrooms maintained by parks and recreation departments. And gets caught. Let’s dissect the song a bit.

First, the idea of last Christmas he gave his heart to one person, but that person squandered the gift, so this Christmas, he will give it to someone special is weird because why is he so insistent upon giving his heart away at Christmas? Is it a deadline? Does he not want to spend Christmas alone? Does he think Christmas is really the last chance he has at clenching a hot New Year’s Eve date? Is he just weird (<- probably this one)? I have no idea, but I think it’s ridiculous. I would expect this sentiment from a Valentine’s Day song. Christmas is about family, not getting laid, at least on my planet.

Next, the idea that the person he gave his heart to last year “gave it away” the next day is equally troubling for two reasons. The first is his vetting process. Did he just not look into the person’s background enough to see if they were a good candidate as a heart recipient? Did he look at whoever was next to him in the bar and think “They’ll do”? Or did the person put up really good facade such that he thought they were a good candidate but they weren’t? In that case, how does he plan to do better this year? Has he revised his questions? Is he only culling potential loves from a pool of people whose qualities he can verify independently? The second issue I have with this is the idea of the person giving the heart away the very next day. There’s a property interest here, I mean, is his heart even transferable? What was the context? Did the person really just not want it, or did they get caught and in bind and just re-gift it? Did the second recipient even want it? I mean, if someone came to me and was like “George Michael gave me his heart, you want it?” I think I would decline it honestly.

The only positive thing I can really find in this song is George’s stalwart resilience and refusal to let one year’s rejection get him down for good. I mean, someone totally trashed his heart the year before, but here he is this year, ready to try again, get back in the ring and try to ride that bronc for another eight seconds. (Unfortunate rodeo reference, brought to you my Houston upbringing.) I mean, not everyone on earth is so willing to do that. I think we all from time to time get a little bit sour on love and feel cynical. George’s message in this song works to combat that sourness and cynicism. And perhaps that’s the most important holiday message of all. This year, let’s all commit to giving ourselves the gift of courage to move past all our failed loves and be brave enough to at least countenance another heart transfer. Right.

Has anyone ever considered this song as one in which George Michael is actually an angel whose earthly counterpart was an organ donor, and the first recipient’s body rejected the donor heart so they gave it to the next person on the list, and Angel George just doesn’t “get it”, it terribly offended, and thinks he gets to pick the next recipient? I think this is much more interesting and humorous construction of the lyrics.